Have you ever wished there was a ‘guidebook’ to navigate you through the maze of your relationship?
Here it is! The first 5+ hints to Making Your Relationship the Greatest Ever. “
5. Allies in Growth
Safety naturally arises when we are allies. Most relationships falter when people inadvertently become each other’s critics and thus enemies. Without the conscious awareness to choose an alternate path, most people become disheartened and afraid when they witness their partner’s ‘weaker side’. Rather than ‘holding loving space’ for their partner to grow and strengthen themselves, they attack. The most direct path to becoming each other’s ally – and thus creating an unshakeable foundation of safety in your relationship – is this:
a). Become conscious of what your and your partner’s areas of greatest challenge are – Trust? Organization? Fitness? Discipline? Desire? Self Love? Confidence? Or something else?
b). Notice your tendency to attack – to undermine – your partner when he/she is in the midst of this area of challenge.
c). Discipline yourself. Rather than attacking – through words, actions or glances – simply ‘hold space’. Hold in your heart and mind an air of compassion. Love them even more for their challenge. Hold a loving ‘container’ in which they can grow. They will trust you all the more, increasing profoundly their experience of safety. This safety will naturally lead to greater intimacy.
Communication is the constant thread that links us. We each have different styles – which is the source of much miscommunication and confusion in relationships. Most of our communication is actually non-verbal – it is expressed through our tone of voice, our body language and simply through the ‘dance’ of energy between us. Consider this: A hug or a smile is worth a thousand words. (Which is why intimacy is such a cornerstone in building and nurturing a healthy relationship.) Here are a few communication tips:
a). When a challenge or a tension arises between partners, it is the role of the first person who notices it to draw it to the attention of both people.
b). All irritations need to be addressed. Very seldom does a tension resolve itself. Challenges which go unaddressed tend to grow in proportion, attracting other challenges to them. As soon as you become aware that something is nagging at you, find a time to speak with your partner. ‘Nip it in the bud.’
4. Safety, Trust, and Intimacy
Play widens and deepens the terrain in which we connect with our loved one. It opens up the space in which we explore each other. Healthy relationships are built on trust. Trust allows for intimacy. All this requires safety as its base.
When we first meet our partner, no matter what age we are, we behave like teenagers. We flirt. We dance around each other, heightening the electric spark which will infuse our love. Keeping a relationship young and alive has everything to do with play. Play is more than making time to go out together on dates – to dinner, movies, sports and other leisure activities. Play is play. What ‘lightens you and your partner up’? Is it playing teasingly competitive games? Is it having snowball fights? Is it playing ‘tag’? Is it tickling each other? Is it playing board games? Is it creating something fun together – cooking, baking or building a craft?
Play is what keeps us all young – and so it inherently is what keeps a relationship young. Adults tend to become more and more serious. Our happiness and health take a nose dive as a result – as does our most precious intimate relationship. Make a decision together with your partner to explore new ways to play. Lighten your spirits! Rediscover the spark in each other – over and over again.
The cornerstone of all great relationships is respect. If you’ve chosen a partner you don’t respect, either you’ve compromised your ideals, or you aren’t perceiving their winning traits. Let go of blame. No one but you is responsible for your happiness and for your life. If your chosen partner isn’t someone whom you can fully respect, you have two choices. Stay and be miserable. Or leave. Letting go of blame may surprise you with a third option. If the seed of respectability in your partner has been masked by your blame, then you may begin to witness a ‘glow’ in your partner that will draw you to fall in love with her/him. Respect yourself. This is a key aspect of Self Love. If you punish yourself with useless guilt, blame and shame, you aren’t making yourself available for love.
What have you done wrong? Either fix it or forgive yourself – and move on. You only ever live in the ‘now’. Blame and regret hook you into the never-ending past. Let go the hook. Float into the now. Here you will find your power, your clarity, and your true love.
1. Self Love
Relationships with others are an extension of our relationship with ourself. To create a better love relationship with our partner, the first and consistent step (it never goes out of fashion) is to pay close attention to how we care for ourself. The more you appreciate yourself; the more you believe in yourself; the more you value your inner self, your gifts and your particular attributes – the more open you will be to loving and being loved. When we are critical of ourself, we close ourself off from access to love. We create thick walls, endeavoring to hide our perceived shortfalls from the one we love. This runs contrary to our desire to love and be loved. So the first step in creating a wonderful love relationship with our partner is to create a wonderful love relationship with ourself.
Notice how you speak about yourself. Notice the words and tone with which you speak to yourself. What is your attitude towards ‘you’?
If it is in any way derogatory, impatient or unkind, then your relationship with you needs repair. Be gentle with yourself. Lower your expectations. Celebrate your accomplishments, your gifts and your skills. Be your own best ally. Turn your self ‘enemy’ into a self ‘cheerleader’. Love yourself more… and you’ll open your ‘pores’ to receive your partner’s love and affection.
Your relationship is precious. Practice these 5+ frequently. Keep training your mind to experience your relationship In The Now.
Article by: Ariole K. Alei
Ariole K. Alei is Co-Founder of HeartSongMatchmaking, HeartSong Solutions and SoulfulSinglesBlog. She is an Author, Keynote Speaker, Coach and Tele Class Leader. http://www.HeartSongMatchmaking.com